So I've escaped the clutches of the hills of spiritual India, of those bleedin hippies and their enlightened views. Bastards with their open-mindedness, their live and let live attitudes, where's the hate, the good old fashioned bigotry? I remember once upon a time you could safely think someone was a dick because they thought the body had special "energies". Or if someone said you had a good aura you'd know it was mushroom season. Or when someone talked about different dimensions they were probably talking about Star Trek and you were probably barely listening anyway and they were certainly a dick. And what happened to the fact that all the different religions can't be right, that it is impossible that all these differing religions with their monkey gods and Wailing Walls and Eucharists and merciless killing in the name of their all-merciful gods, that they can't all be the One True religion. Apparently they can, if they're all just different interpretations of the same thing. Goddamn ecumenicism and understanding. And chakras and acupuncture and reiki and feng shui and mantras and personal moons and feckin tea-tree oil. And God help us all, creationism.
I went to a yoga class in the hills and they talked about sleep and yoga. And they said that a wet dream was someone stealing your energy in a different dimension. A sort of inter-dimensional rape. Mentalists.
And the scariest thing, of course, is that in some small way I've started to Believe.
Hommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Postscript robbed from Irish Times.
The old Irish woman who was asked by the anthropologist if she believed in the fairies: "Indeed and I do not," came the dismissal, "but sure they're there all the same."
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The little things...
- Books that have new chapters instead of new paragraphs. Chapter 32, page 73.
- A hot dog is not a sausage.
- Vietnamese dubbing. All actors dubbed with the same bored woman's voice. Conversations between two people read like a shopping list.
- The little barbershops in every country. Someone should do a photo tour of the barbershops of the world.
- I am currently training myself to drink beer.
- Diarmuid may henceforth talk about himself in the third person.
- Every country I visit has the best sunsets and the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
- Kangaroos can't go backwards.
- Mark Twayne is a genius. As is Donald Clarke.
- Bamboo trees are the best trees in the world ever.
- Ladyboys.
- The irishman I met who claims he carried out surgery on himself using a penknife to remove 4 little wriggling white worms from his own little white worm. Lovely.
- In Nepal its the year 2064. Where we're going we won't need roads.
- Sometimes walking along city streets I suspect someone is following me, a pickpocket maybe. I pause, pretending to window shop and let the suspicious character pass by, then I resume walking. It makes me feel like a spy.
- English Language Newspaper Reports - "Motor-cycle borne miscreants ", "Gave him a sound thrashing", "Caught in the wee hours"
- Car's reverse warning noises (like lorries have). Being serenaded with "Moonlight Sonata" by a reversing Punto.
- Dan Brown novels. The blurb on the back. "One of the samrtest (sic) writers around." Quite. May he burn in a hell of overused exclamation marks, italics and mysterious, beautiful scientists.
- There are 35 ambulances in Delhi for 14 million people.
- Powercuts randomly at anytime, worst at night as it switches off the fans and you wake up and have to peel yourself off the bed, the sheets wet with sweat.
- I have now got a facebook account cos I'm down with the youth of Britain. Bo.
- The Mango Tree Restaurant, where the dining experience is punctuated by the sounds of half eaten mangos thudding into the ground around you, having been thrown from the tree canopy by monkeys high above.